Suddenly I am starting to feel like I am a much softer person. I am beginning to hear about that place of inner peace that I have long heard about but have never experienced. I am much more empathetic and patient. And, dare I even say…nurturing. Who would have thunketh!!
I’m not sure if this change in me is because I am suddenly starting to feel my biological clock begin to tick as I get closer to 36. Or I don’t know if it’s because I am generally growing older and more mature. Or sometimes I wonder if it’s due to me having my six and two year old nieces more consistently in my life and I’m learning to feel youthful around children. Who really knows why, but when it all boils down into it, is why really even that important?
People have long told me that I would always mellow out when I had children. Ten years ago an old mentor of mine told me, “Just wait until you have children. You are going to turn into putty in their hands. Watch-you will turn really conservative”. That conversation has honestly been one reason why I have feared starting a family all of these years. I revel in my fierceness. I haven’t wanted to soften myself and become one of those people who I can’t stand who don’t have a life outside of their children. I didn’t want to suddenly turn into a conservative. I was afraid that having children would suppress my feminism in some way.
The truth is though that for the past couple of years I have started to slowly soften up around the edges, even without having become a mother. I feel like I am gearing up for a rough ride of change over the next couple of years and I must be still and learn how to ride out the storm. I just want to find peace, relaxation and health. But at the same time I am growing more fierce and politically leftist in a more peaceful sense, contrary to the predictions that others have had for me. I’m beginning to actually be excited about possibly raising a little bad ass rebel in this world.
I suppose that this means that I am taking that next step to get ready to have children. I still need to do a little work on myself to get over the fear that I will somehow not be a feminist if I have children. Other friends have told me that motherhood is a feminist act, but I think what I fear most is losing my freedom and my identity as an independent woman. Only time will tell.
How has having children changed you?