Confession: My Life is Out of Balance

Disclaimer: This is going to be one of those ‘poor me’ type of posts where I pour my little heart out. I really need the stress relief.

Today I feel like my body is just falling apart. I’ve been under so much stress from work that I have literally had a migraine every day for the past two weeks, with the exception of one migraine-free day. I’ve had to come home early from work a couple of times over the past two weeks, and there have been a few days when I have rolled out of bed in the morning and had to force myself to not call in sick to work.

It’s been a rough three years ever since I became a manager. From the moment that I applied for the job, I’ve had to overcome a lot of obstacles and hurdles that have caused me a huge amount of stress. And, in the past six months we have been losing a lot of our upper management and as a result everyone is under a lot more stress because everything seems to be in complete chaos.

In the past year, I suddenly started to suffer from vertigo and anxiety. Then I had a large kidney stone that had to be blasted to pieces. Meanwhile, I tested positive for lupus, but later tested negative. My cholesterol has suddenly sky rocketed because I started eating meat again and I am eating nothing but unhealthy food lately. My blood sugar has also sky rocketed enough to be considered a few points away from diabetic.

Today I just couldn’t tolerate the migraines anymore and I went to a massage therapist. She stated that she was shocked at how tight my jaw, cheeks, head, neck, shoulders and back were. I’ve suspected that I have been carrying a lot of tension from work in my jaw recently because I’ve noticed that I am tightening my jaw and holding my breath when dealing with very difficult co-workers in the workplace.

I really love my job, but it’s becoming increasingly difficult for me to tolerate rude people in the workplace. I pride myself on treating everyone with dignity and respect in the workplace, but I constantly have to deal with other managers who have no manners or respect for other people. I know that I should not allow their actions to affect me, but since I have been feeling burned out their actions are really starting to get under my skin.

A year ago my boyfriend and I decided that in August we would move in together and start the journey to have a child. He has been concerned for the past couple of years that I have been under too much stress and we made a deal that I try to balance my life a little before we start on our journey. He has been moving forward with the plans. I, on the other hand, am falling apart and just pretending like I’m on board.

For the past two weeks he has been getting his house ready. He put in a new air conditioner, new patios, new painting, and is getting ready to have the inside of the house painted and new carpet put in. I can see him moving forward and preparing, and suddenly I am beginning to get cold feet and feel like backing out.

Lately I have been feeling so miserable due to stress. My life feels unbalanced and out of control, so how the hell am I going to pack up all of my crap and move into his house? And, if I can hardly handle the stress at work now, then how the hell am I going to be be able to handle it while pregnant and/or having a baby?

The whole thought of starting a family seems completely overwhelming to me. AGAIN. I’m back in the same space that I have been for the past five years, thinking that it’s not the right time and that I need to push back my timeline. Over the past two weeks, on three occasions I have almost thought about just canceling on our plans, although I know deep down in my heart that I do want to have a child.

The reason that I started the Femimommy blog was because I wanted to have a safe space where I can deal with these issues and other related topics. I’m not the type of woman where motherhood seems natural. Motherhood actually seems scary and stressful to me because I am the product of a dysfunctional and abusive family. I therefore needed a space such as this blog to explore my fears and document my journey, and hopefully find support along the way.

I will figure it all out, but the first thing that I need to focus on is getting my health back on track and controlling my stress. I need to learn how to bring balance back into my life and also not allow other people’s rude behavior affect me so much. I can do it, and I am going to commit to starting a tiny step tomorrow.

Have you ever felt burned out or completely overwhelmed? What did you do to get your stress under control?