I haven’t written on this blog in a while, partly because I first started the blog to document my journey of motherhood but I hadn’t yet started on the journey. I just felt that it didn’t fit my identity at the time since I wasn’t yet a mother. But I’m back in the swing of things and am officially declaring that I have started my journey towards becoming a mother.
Last month was the first month that I tried to get pregnant. Well, it’s not the first time in my life, but it’s the first time in my adult life. When I was in high school, I stupidly tried to get pregnant from my boyfriend a couple of times when I was a junior and senior. Thank goodness that didn’t work out, because I would have been stuck with an abusive drug addict!
I have dragged my feet for years over motherhood because I have been waiting for that perfect time when I am oh so sure that I am ready to be a mother. I was raised by an abusive mother and I was scared to death of being like her. I was also raised by a single mother, and all these years I have not wanted to have children because I wanted to wait until I was absolutely sure that I would be able to raise them on my own.
Lately I have been realizing that there is never going to be a perfect time to have children. I have finally realized that I am not my mother and that fortunately I think that I am going to break the cycle of the long line of abuse in my family. But I’ve been waiting for that perfect time-when I am not having stress, when I finally lose that pesky amount of weight, or the plethora of other reasons that I can cook up in my head as a reason why I am not yet ready. But now I know that the perfect time is never going to come.
Last month I randomly mentioned to my boyfriend that I wanted to try to get pregnant on Valentine’s Day. “Wouldn’t that be just so cool?” I justified to him. “How many people can say that they got pregnant on Valentine’s Day?” Although I suspected that I was slightly past my ovulation date, we decided to have sex on that day alone to see if we would get pregnant. Well, we didn’t.
I wasn’t fully prepared for the disappointment that I felt when I started my period this month. All along I sort of knew that I wasn’t going to get pregnant from just trying on that one day that was probably after my ovulation day. I didn’t expect to feel paranoid, feeling fearful that I have waited too long to have a child. After all, I am almost 37, I reasoned in my head. What if all of my eggs ran out?
It doesn’t help much that whenever I look online or in books that it smacks me in the face that it is harder to get pregnant after 35. All month long I felt paranoid that I missed my window. But the great news is that now it has strengthened my resolve that I now know that it is time and that I need to start trying to conceive now so that I DON’T miss my window.
This month I randomly asked my boyfriend if we could try again. I tried to have a sex on one day, and unfortunately my boyfriend had a little performance anxiety so we were unable to fully complete the act. The next two days were successful, although it started to feel like a chore in some weird way. We took a two day break and then tried again today, although I suspect that I may have already ovulated. The ovulation kit that I bought sure hasn’t helped any because it is very difficult to read and apparently it seems like I have been ovulating all month long. What a chore!
I’m excited about the possibility, but I am also fearful that I have waited too long. It’s frustrating to me because everywhere I look I am taught that I am too old to be a mother. It sure doesn’t help either that I just received a Facebook invitation to my 20 year high school reunion, and everyone and their mother has four or five kids while I am just thinking about starting a family. I am going to document my journey and hopefully it will be helpful to anyone who is the same boat as me as they are trying to get pregnant in their late 30s.
Wish me luck!
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