It’s been a year since I first started this blog in May 2011 and I’ve had a lot of struggles with my identity over it. I first started it because I was planning on having a baby and at the time I found very few resources for mothers who were over 35. Society shoves down our throats that it’s dangerous for women to have children in their late 30s or 40s and so I wanted to document my journey, find others on a similar journey, and provide accurate information and resources for women over 35 who choose to have a child.
At the time when I started the blog, I was 3 months away from the date that I wanted to get pregnant (i.e., September 2011). At the time I primarily identified myself as being a feminist and still couldn’t imagine myself as a mother. I was and still am wrapped up in my career and my identity as an independent woman. I slowly started to blog on Femimommy, hoping that it would awake some of my motherly feelings. When the date finally came around to get pregnant, I had a major panic attack about the possibility of losing my independence and I pushed my pregnancy date back another year.
Over the past year I haven’t really blogged here much. I have struggled with what to write on this blog, because I am not a mother yet and in a way I am not even interested in some of the motherhood topics that are out there are on so many blogs. It has been hard for me to blog here, because I still haven’t fully formed my identity as being a future mother.
The truth is that I am scared to death of having a child. I have grown to be so independent and I am afraid that another little human being is going to be totally dependent on me. As I write this, it does seem a bit selfish and as if I am over exaggerating so perhaps it is time to start documenting my pregnancy prep journey here so that I can finally kickstart my life into preparing to have a child (or children).
When I was growing up, I never imagined myself as having children. It’s not something that I ever thought about as a child. I was the product of a somewhat abusive mother and I vowed that I would never continue the cycle of abuse that has existed in my family for generations. I thought that I wouldn’t have children because in my early 20s I had quite a temper and my relationship was a bit tumultuous. However, I’m finally beginning to accept the fact that I definitely have changed and am going to be able to break the cycle.
It feels weird to blog here on Femimommy when I don’t have children yet and I am not even pregnant. But please just bear with me as I work to get my butt in gear and prepare for motherhood. I fully understand that motherhood and feminism are not mutually exclusive, I hear what so many feminists say about motherhood being a feminist act, but I’m still scared to death in a strange way. For some reason, I am scared of losing my identity as a feminist. I know that my fears are irrational, and that’s why I am committing to blogging here more often so that I can move forward on my journey to motherhood.
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